Preparing for my next journey ...

As my next journey to Peru looms in the very near future I feel myself closing in. Concentrating my energy, focusing, instinctually doing what needs to be done.  There is no set manner in which to prepare, it is quite unconscious.  There is something just over the horizon and I'm already beginning to feel it beckoning back through time.  As for my last journey all I can say is that there are very few experiences in my life which resonate for so very long. It's been over six months and it is still a daily thought, a teacher, a puzzle I'll likely never fully piece back together.

With that being said I'll revisit June 8th. This was after my third ayahuasca ceremony (I think it was the 3rd). It's very much unedited and open. If you're interested, here is what I wrote in my journal that day:

I feel as though I need to write more about vibrations and energy. I may repeat some of what I've already written. I can see how most everything can be applied and integrated into this theory. From the little flowers I see each day, opening their satellite petals to take in the energy/vibration of the sun, following it so as to get as much as possible, of course the same for all of the leaves and most anything nature based. They take in one form of vibration, take what they need, tranform the rest. For example, if you eat a plant you take in its vibrations, use what is needed, and excrete the rest. Some of the waste can be actual shit but it can also come out as emotions, moods, words. Bad diet = bad emotions.

On a more personal/human aspect, it's not just what we ingest. It's who we are around; the emotions, words, and thoughts that we take in. We can use it all as sustenance ... love and friendship. Or, we can take in contradictory vibrations and these create blockages. We can even run into those who solely exist to take in vibrations and give nothing back. Those are the people who leave us drained and confused after every interaction. It all comes down to flow. Does the energy/interaction help of hurt? Are the vibrations in sync or in contradiction to each other? If they're not in sync are we able to shed the bad vibrations? Most of us will hold on to them, secret them away in our depths of self. We hide them. Some people will choose substances/alcohol to keep those hurts deep down and at bay. Others will form a shell ... the harder the shell the more painful it will be to let that pain go eventually. If we can't let that pain go it comes out in so many different ways; anger, contempt, self-destructive thoughts and actions. We sometimes aim it at those we are closest with. We put our hurt out into the world just to get it out, more often than not we aim it at another person. This is not a good cycle for then they must deal with it and perhaps repeat the exact pattern of internalizing and externalizing.

The self-regulated purge. This hurts no one. We need to learn to discard our negative and out of sync vibrations without putting them onto/into others. A state of flow is the goal. Loose flow. Let them come in (for they surely will) but let them pass just as easily. This is a note to self to do more yoga more often. It's in our muscles. It's in our societal norm to hold on to the tension, to “deal with it”. It all manifests in so many ways; physical pain, mental pain, sickness, disease ... it's all a part of the same pattern of holding on to the negative vibratory patterns. I can visibly see the pattern of taking in other's emotions and vibrations and how this can be so very positive and/or so very negative.

I can see how we create a new being. We strip it down to the smallest personal vibration and merge it with someone else's. They form a new pattern and learn to adapt and grow together as a new life, a new version of our history of vibration. We pass it all on to our children, we are all the sum of the entirety of the patterns that have come before us. Hopefully we learn a few things along the way.

The icaros are a reset. A re-stabilizing pattern. Jostling the old out and allowing room for the healing and the new patterns. So very many people need to let their deep pain out, open up and stop the shielding and coping. Just let those pains out and you'll find room for you, for love, room to to express and accept love.

This was my primary message last night. I never ask for help. For my entire life, I very rarely have asked for help. This is why I did so well in school. If I take care of all of it by myself I don't need help. This is why I take so much on and never put myself first. I can cope. I can handle it ... but I can't in the long run. From a very young age I never wanted to disrupt the flow. I felt as though by expressing my needs I'd disrupt the pattern of family life and possibly lead to a bout of depression in my father. And I can follow this thought through to some of my relationships. I choose people who I'm scared to agitate and therefore I am never able to ask them for help. I've give and give but I don't want to ask for much as I might piss someone off or throw their pattern into a bad spiral. I need to work towards letting it out, feeling safe that I'm allowed to let it out and move forward.

I feel as though last night was very much focused on me. I felt pretty shitty for the most part; emotionally rough. Nothing was very supernatural but it helped to connect a lot of dots. Seeing my life in a way which I've looked at it before. It was necessary.

The only visual from the entire night, just outside the maloca, for hours stood a stoic African looking warrior. Shield, staff, and garment, all very real. I couldn't focus on his face ... the rest was very clear. His facial features were constantly morphing. I know he was there as a protector, I felt very much safe. Then, on the walk back to my tambo, I was positive there was someone behind me. Positive. I paused, heard a shuffle, then turned to see a lanky and immensely tall silhouette. So close we were almost touching. I looked up, felt comforted and said, “oh, hello”. The being didn't want to pass, just walk behind me. So I smiled and continued my walk home. There's magic out here. It's real.



Ayahuasca and the Vibratory Nature of Existence

Perhaps my tattoo page is not the proper place for this entry but perhaps it is.  I'm quite open about all that consists of the idea of "me" and this is most definitely a part of it all.  So here you have my first attempt at bringing to light something which is quite difficult to describe.

I've been attempting to write a sequential story about my experience in the Amazon. It will eventually be completed but somehow the linear timeline doesn't seem all that important. It's not the sequence but the experience itself which I continue to try to make sense of. Perhaps the best way for me to tackle this is to just write about certain aspects one at a time and then perhaps the ordered storyline can come out later.

For me the seven ceremonies all make complete sense when viewed as a whole. My first ceremony was perhaps my most intense in the knowledge and information department. I feel as though I was given the entire class syllabus and everything which came after was an attempt to clarify and make sense of a copious amount of information.

I had read as much as I could, watched as many documentaries as I could find, listened to podcasts, and thought very long and very hard about finally making the journey to Peru to partake in ayahuasca. Even after many years of thinking about it there was no way to know what would actually happen. With all of that my anticipation of that first ceremony the moment was very personal and very immense. I knew nothing when all was said and done.

The entire ceremony seemed so very new but also so very natural right from the start. Sitting in the maloca in a large circle each passejero came up individually to drink their introductory cup. The first night was quite dark. As the days passed the moon ramped up towards it's full cycle but I recall that first night to be the darkest, the most full of mystery. I took my cup, drank, and returned to my mat. What would happen? How long would this take? Am I feeling it yet? Am I supposed to feel it? Why am I sweating? Will I ever be the same? On and on the questions rambled through my head.

It was hot, I was hot, the sweat ran freely as much due to nerves and wonder as to the actual physical circumstances. After some time the whispers of the first icaro began. By this point I was definitely beginning to feel a different state of being. My fears would creep in. I'd start to see beautifully intricate geometric patterning and almost as if set on a stage a character would enter from the periphery. Faces, smiles, gentle figures then transforming to very macabre and disturbing clown/circus imagery. I know not where this was coming from. I'd try to laugh it off (internally) and smile at these disturbing figures. Without fail, as soon as I did this they revealed their true faces, pulling off the disturbing masks and showing me their gentle playful faery nature. It was a game. A game in which I was letting go of the negative thoughts and fears and seeing them in a different manner. My anchor through this introductory light show as the thoughts of home and my beloved Nikki. The hug we shared just before I entered the airport, that transaction of love and energy was enough to get me through most anything.

Once this first phase began to come to a close the icaros were in full effect. I believe we had four maestros and maestras that first night. Their voices alternating and coalescing into a perfect symphony of sound and vibration. And now the information download began. Very flat geometric patterning rolled and spun its way through my visions. Like the clockwork tick-tock gearbox of the universe I felt like I was being shown how all things worked. Indescribable patterns which were fractal when I looked close enough. The deeper I went the more intricate the interrelation between the patterns. Predominately black, white, brown and yellow ochre along with some other muted earth tones. I was definitely communicating with some other form of intelligence. The patterns, the light show, the variations, this all seemed to be different attempts to find a language of symbol which I might understand.

As I laid back and was overwhelmed by the symbols and their meanings the maestras and maestros began to make their counterclockwise rotation around the maloca. Each maestro and maestra would sing to each passejero individually. Twenty four songs each. Four individual songs for each of us newly initiated into the ceremony. At this point I began to look around the room. And now the information download began to make a bit of sense. I could see the vibrations of all things. The maestros and maestras were conjuring amazing patterns with their icaros. The vibrations of their songs would strengthen into these very concrete very real patterns and these would be passed into the individual being sung to. The unnecessary or bad vibrations were being released and the positive patterns/vibrations were filling the hole left by the absence of what had just been jolted outward. This is the crux of all that I learned that first night. All things are energy. All things are vibration.

That which follows is taken directly from my notebook the day after that first experience:

***

Every “thing”, at its core, is a vibration. From my skin hitting this page, to words, to emotions. We “feel” when these vibrations bump into each other. Some vibrations can be integrated, others contradict each other and bounce off. If a vibration begins to find allies it gains gravity and can grow. Those vibrations become symbols. From the simplest object all the way to the planet and all else, they are vibrations. Much like any other vibration they hold resonance for a while, eventually dissipating and dispersing. We know this as aging and dying. We, as individuals, are attempting to strengthen our own vibrations. So when they eventually begin to disperse we can maintain enough of “us” to again gain gravity, pull more vibrations in, and begin the “life” process again. If one wanted to put a word on that it might be reincarnation.

Eventually, in the case of the Earth, that vibration/collection of symbols becomes so strong it turns inward on itself, the friction of this inward turn creating more and more vibrations, creating LIFE. The other planets in our system are grand beings to say the least. But our Earth, she is something else, a fractal creation machine for newly assembled vibratory beings. We gain knowledge (through vibrations), we pick up speed, improve. Think of how powerful a learning tool the human voice is. We have mastered the use of small mouth movements in order to convey one idea from one mind into another. These voices are vibrations as is the written word (in a different form) and so on. As long as we are receptive and choose to only take in the positively aligned vibrations we continue to strengthen that which is at our core.

Humanity has figured out how to align patterns to some extent. We can make “things” which at their essence are certain sequences of ordered vibration. The problem, we create these “things” only to serve us rather than the whole. These are dead ends, their vibrations take a long time to disperse and therefore they are difficult to reintegrate into the whole. We create separation rather than cohesion. Mother nature ... she's all about cohesion and interconnectedness.

This is why I'm here right now. To strengthen my own pattern and resonance. To discard the conflicting patterns which I've taken in and restructure the proper flow of my pathways. We allow room in our bodies/being for those vibrations which we do not need. We hold on to them. They do not want to leave. Pain, of all sorts, is that vibration holding on for dear life, trying to create a niche on which to grow. Sleep helps to reorganize our patterns ... ayahuasca does it even better. Ha. So if we start with the a small vibration (let's say a sperm or an egg), eventually, if it is to grow, it finds an ally. That ally fits in perfectly and you have a slightly stronger vibration, and thus slightly more gravity or attractive force. The compounding or multiplication begins to speed up. We grow physically, turning into strings and interconnected nets of vibratory resonance. Eventually these resonances are better described as patterns. They have a more concrete flow and presence, a certain frequency. When our frequency meets and ally we can take some of it in with us, in exchange we give out a bit of our own vibration. These are interactions of all sorts, emotional/physical/hypothetical, they are all exchanges of energy. The same can be said for conflicting patterns, we can allow them into our flow. The key is to let them go from that flow, not to hold on. Allow them in but just as readily allow them to pass through. We do not need conflict. Clear the negative and allow the positive to hold strong and true. That's what all of this is, an inward focus of my own energy. Keeping it to myself for a while and cultivating a better flow and a better pattern.

***

Please excuse the excessive use of commas, run on sentences, and or poorly executed sentence structure. As I said, that which preceded was directly from my journal. Trying to grapple with a huge information download and trying to form coherent words and thoughts out of it all. That was all from my first experience with mother ayahuasca and I'm still integrating it and making sense of it all many weeks later. I had six more ceremonies, all of which had their own flavor and path but all of which also looped back to this idea of vibration and energy. I made many more notes about the subject. Many analogies and so on. It all seems to work very well in my mind but I know not if I'm conveying it properly. I'm sure I will write far more, think far deeper, and perhaps bump up to an answer or two somewhere along the way. Ultimately there are those things which are far beyond words. This is my meagre attempt to convey just a bit of it to a few people out there who might have taken the time to read through.

Final notes, which were mantras in my mind throughout the twelve day experience:


Every thing is sacred. Every action matters.


Respect all things.


It's all a game. There are no rules. Just play.


maloca