The Magic of Love

  If you don't believe in magic this may not translate. If you interpret the world as fully explainable we may have a disconnect. If your way is the only way this will make no sense; for this is just one thought, one way which can coincide with an infinite number of other ways of perceiving existence. And in the end, isn't this all we ever really have to go on? The way in which you interpret reality is yours and yours alone, we don't really get to glimpse inside the views and perceptions of others. Of course they can try to tell us how they see the world, how it feels to them, how it smells, tastes, and interacts with them. But we never truly know. Theory and hypothesis are not true understanding or knowledge.

And this is the crux of the matter. We navigate through the world in our own little meat vehicles, seeking out connection and novelty and new experiences (or at least I hope that's what we're all doing out there). That feeling of isolation can be a strange one, surrounded as we are by others but never truly knowing what any of the others see, think, feel, and so on. How does my colour red translate through your eyes? How does love feel in your heart? How does that spine tingling awe of one moment translate to you? Did you miss it? Are we on the same page? These are the questions that we may not actually formulate into words but I think most of us will admit they're there somewhere below the surface from time to time.

So what of love? I think this is where the magic and awe and wonder comes in. This is where the questions can all be silenced. The mind chatter calms and the ease of being overwhelms. For love, when it is, when it truly “is”, is something far more formidable than I've ever fathomed. First off it must be equal, and this is far harder than one might think. A balance of give and take; of radiating love and accepting it at the same time ... it has taken me a very long time to get to the point of emotional maturity in which I can finally accept as much as I give. And suddenly all of the questions are silenced. I can look into the eyes of love and see a perfectly reflected mirror image of all that I'm thinking, feeling, radiating. There is no mind chatter, no distraction, no “what if”. It is pure and simple and the easiest thing I've ever done. Knowing what another is actually thinking, feeling, and experiencing ... this is a huge portion of what we have come to call love. The universe connecting in a small part with itself, recognizing that it is one, that these separate organic bodies are but a slight hindrance, a distraction from the fact that we are all one. The blinders are off and when you are fully engaged in love and existence that rush of connection is by far the best part of being human. Impenetrable, immoveable, and timeless. It is the strongest force, the one that cannot be fully told, not to be broken down to its constituents and explained in dry scientific jargon. This is not how it works. It is magic, it is the un-Englishable. It is the most psychedelic state, fully natural and there for the taking if we only accept and give equally. The secret is hidden in plain site.

We all think this is what we want, through media of all sorts this is what you would believe the aspiration is. But it's also the scariest point one can bring oneself to. The open and raw nature of love takes a strength many will not find. It is a precipice where many are unwilling to tread. For it is the most vulnerable place one can be. To expose one's heart fully and openly takes a bravery and calm resilience that we are not taught about or prepared for. We protect and coddle and close off from the fears and possible hurt that an exposed heart is so very open to. That razors edge of bliss and despair, this is where we must walk the line of love. And when you find it, when you immediately know that you can trust another with your heart, with your life, with all that is you ... this is what it's all about. For you know that you will do the same, and with that perfect reflection and clarity of heart and thought there is such immense safety in that point of complete vulnerability. It's the perfect duality. The balance of all things. It's magic, plain and simple.

I hope we all get to experience this at some point in our lives. For me it's a sense of coming home. I haven't felt “home” since I was a teenager, the calm and ease and knowledge that your family and loved ones are eternal and unquestionable. This is what I've been seeking, this is what I've hoped for. And finally, the chatter has ceased, there are no questions. It's the easiest thing I've ever done. But it took every event, every misstep, and every confusing turn of life to lead to here, to “now”. I am thankful for the entire trip, the path looks very clear and direct when looking back upon it all now. It's not as though I've met someone new and am in a period of bliss in finding that connection and figuring out who they are. It's the overwhelming sense of remembering this person, for I've known her many times before and in this current dance of life I've recognized her once again. The sense of time falters and the linear nature of interpreting events all but falls away. Again, if you don't believe in magic and awe and wonder I've probably lost you somewhere along the way. And if I have, I'm sorry for that. But for me, “lost” is the direct opposite of what I now get the privilege of feeling. For the first time in very long time I know exactly where I am. I am home.

I love you Lauren Fortuna.

Forever grateful for this life.


Huachuma - The Resistance Had To End If I Was To Begin

How do I begin this?  How do I attempt to describe the ineffable?  I suppose I just start.  That seems appropriate, especially given the messages I’ve been ingrained with over this past month.  Begin, move forward, live life "now".

There is talk of a “calling” that one receives.  I firmly believe in this.  When I look back at each and every step from my past to present it seems like a perfectly choreographed dance of lessons, interactions, ups, downs, and everything in between.  I feel as though I’ve reached the apex of a peak and can now finally look back and see the entire path and its intricate meandering route.  This is a testament to “now” I suppose.  For to be able to look back at life in general and have no regrets, just awe and wonder at how it took each step to get here, this is something special.  And I’m fully in love with “here”, with “now”, with life, and ultimately with me.

Last June was my first major step into the world of shamanism and plant medicines.  It was a necessary step but somehow it wasn’t the huge plunge that I may have been hoping for.  Somewhere in me I was still resisting, still holding on, and still trying to outsmart the process.  Within a month or two of returning I felt the pull again.  Life wasn’t all that perfect at home and there was this feeling of, “I need to make a shift, something has to change”.  So this time it was Huachuma (aka San Pedro - although according to Don Howard this is definitely different from San Pedro) that called me.  When you know it’s time you just know.  I booked my journey for January.

Many things were coming to a head.  A lot of anxiety and heartache and an overall sense of constantly living in limbo … this had become a large part of my waking life.  Something had to shift.  My parting note to life in Canada was the great Heraclitus quote, “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it is not the same river and he is not the same man”.  I knew there was a change on the horizon, I just couldn’t have imagined how dramatic it was to be.  Through taxis, airplanes, and buses I rapidly ended up at the SpiritQuest Sanctuary outside of Iquitos, Peru.  It felt as natural as could be.  Of course there were still some nerves as to what might come but overall it couldn’t have gone smoother.

I could go on about the setting and the minutia of each interaction and so on but I think I’ll just get to the big messages and changes as quickly as I can.

We were to partake in three ceremonies over the seven day retreat.  Each ceremony having a feel or theme to it.  The first being water, incorporating a sense of levity and birthing.  The second would be earth, in which Don Howard alluded to the fact that there may be some heavy times and if need be we’d have to acknowledge and sit with those feelings.  The third and final would be air, in which we’d have a chance to connect beyond our earthly confines and go into the astral realm.  I wondered how three ceremonies with the exact same medicine could have three very different effects.  Huachuma was also described as hitting you with a feather rather than a hammer.  Let me tell you, it’s one very very heavy and slow feather … it’s tough to describe this in words and metaphor. This medicine is known as a heart opener and the mesada (initiation) is an introduction to the jaguar spirit (no fear) … from what I will write next, it couldn’t have hit either of these points more perfectly.

In the past I always tried to be the recorder.  I tried to take the experience, outsmart it, and create wordplay to describe it and bring it back to others.  This time, things became truly ineffable.  I’ll be writing about this and thinking about it for my entire life but there is a core to it that will never be described properly.  It must be experienced rather than relayed.

The first ceremony (water) began.  Each individual was called up to the Mesa (altar).  Two fingers on each hand plugged into the edges of the table.  Don Howard cleansing and protecting us with his mapacho smoke and rattles.  When the music stopped you drank.  A not too bitter brew, a large cup.  Once the medicine was down it was just a waiting game.  What would happen next?  For me that first session was quite light.  My intention going in was to be an open vessel to the universe, ready to accept love … I also aimed at connection to all and a sense of safety.  Before I drank Don Howard says to me, “You’re here for a reason aren’t you brother?  It’s all about love and connection here, you are safe.”  And with that he had read my mind and I knew I was in good hands.  The first of many mystical experiences and I hadn’t even drunk the brew yet.  

Almost immediately after drinking we gathered our belongings and headed out for the day.  A boat ride down the river. Listening to headphones to drown out the motors it began to get quite beautiful.  Everything slightly enhanced.  The music became an impressive soundtrack to the beauty of life in the Amazon.  The entire time I was processing what was going on.  Trying to gauge it, trying to hold on.  Well, my ego was trying to hold on I suppose.  I felt a sense of buoyancy, but still I couldn’t let go.  We visited a tribe.  Smiling faces and joy were all around us.  Children with the best smiles I’ve ever seen.  We watched a ceremonial dance and song and then were free to wander as we would.  Again, this first session was not quite as deep as I might have imagined … I wouldn’t let it get too deep.  There were some very beautiful moments but overall I began to wonder if this was the right path for me.  The boat ride home was quite glorious, I chose the ideal music for the trip and as the sun set I started to catch a glimpse of what this medicine could be.  By the time we returned to the maloca (ceremonial hut) I was all but back to myself.  There were others who were directly plugged in that night but for me it had already faded to a mere whisper.  The first ceremony was complete and I still had many questions.

That night I couldn’t sleep at all.  I had the most excruciating headache.  It felt like things were being shifted and torn out in there.  Like long stands of pain were being dragged across my mind.  I know not what to make of this but it seemed like and important step.  Something had to be rewired if I was to continue.

The second ceremony (earth) was still filled with the unknown for me.  I hadn’t gone deep enough in the first so I knew not what to expect.  Through the same ceremony we drank our medicine and again headed out for the day.  This time I knew immediately it was going to hit me harder.  There was that sense of levity but there was something deep and heavy intertwined in there as well.  Another glorious boat ride.  Music has never sounded so perfect to me.  This time we went on a hike of about forty minutes.  It felt good to move, to be in the jungle, to feel very much connected to nature.  Still, my mind held on, I was resisting but beginning to lose that battle.  We ended up at a clearing with a small pond for swimming.  Through the circumstance and having recently had my back tattooed I couldn’t go for a swim.  So I stood and watched.  There was a moment when the rain began to fall and the sun was shining on the water … the staccato of light, reflection, and ripple … there was a moment there that still feels as though it’s reverberating through eternity.  I felt stuck.  Physically and mentally.  I was at an impasse and something had to give.  We went back to another small clearing and the tribe was about to do a ceremonial dance.  At this point everything got extremely heavy for me.  I felt the earth pulling me down, engulfing me.  It was eternal and immense and I knew not what to do.  Every negative thought began to fill my head,  “this is bullshit, look at us, just a bunch of drugged up foreigners in the jungle, this is scheisterism not shamanism, fuck it I’m never doing this again”.  On and on these thoughts went.  I felt heavier and heavier.  It was the closest to death I think I’ve ever felt.  I cannot describe it better than that.  And it was a death of sorts.  There was a part of me (or my ego) that had to die.  The resistance had to end if I was to begin.  And so I let go.  I let the medicine finally take hold in full effect. I surrendered and accepted what was given.  From there everything became glorious.  The tribe did a ceremonial song and dance and with each moment I began to feel my power return.  We hiked back to the boats and that boat ride, man, that was something else.  The most miraculous sunset set to music.  My heart was so wide open by this point.  I’ve never felt such an immense sense of calm, of peace, of love and belonging.  Returning to the maloca we partook in more ceremony.  This time I was plugged in, this time I was beginning to get it.  

There are moments which are beyond words.  As Terrence McKenna would say, they are “un-Englishable”.  From here on in that rings so very true.  But nonetheless I’ll give it a try.

The third ceremony (air) was filled with excitement for me. I had a sense of what was to come.  The fear had subsided and all that remained was wonder and awe.  This time we drank and then immediately went for a hike.  It was a matter of minutes before I was tuned in and vibrating with an energy of connection that I cannot describe.  The jungle was me and I was the jungle.  A shared experience by almost everyone in the group … the trees were whispering all around us and the earth was breathing.  Yes, breathing, I would sit and watch and it was undeniable.  Everything else would be perfectly still and I’d see a small pocket of earth calmly inhaling and exhaling.  It was beautiful.  And that’s what I was told of Huachuma, it’s a clarifier.  It doesn’t alter what is there it just allows us to truly see what is going on all around us all of the time.  This time it was so very different.  I had plugged in completely.  There was no resistance on my part.  My intention for this day was, “Accept what it given.  Respect all things”.  And this mantra rang so very true for the entirety of the process.  Again, there are moments which I cannot describe.  I was given the knowledge that the universe is infinite and eternal and at the core it is all just love.  To know this rather than think it or theorize it, this is something different.  The hangups and fears that we create, they are so very bizarre.  All that we are here to do is be the best person we can possibly be.  The universe wants me to fully experience it through the best possible version of me imaginable.  For that’s what we are, the universe playing hide and seek with itself and when this incarnation ends we get to go back to the whole and repeat and repeat and repeat.  I love the analogy of Alan Watts, the idea that we are all waves in the ocean.  When one wave crashes it is not sad, the ocean remains the ocean and is not individuated into single waves coming or going.  A sense of strength and calm continued to grow in me throughout the day.  

Eventually we made our way to the sky deck, a platform at the highest point for as far as the eye could see.  And this is where most of us got stuck in time, or stepped out of time perhaps.  It was just pure awe and bliss.  Staring at the sky, just above the canopy of the jungle.  Again, no words for this.  But I do know that most of us had a shared experience there.  It was difficult to move for I didn’t want to disturb the perfection of “now”.  At one point I laid back on the warm concrete.  Eyes closed and the rain began to hit me.  It was total synesthesia.  Each drop was a staccato burst of light on my body.  I could see each point where it hit me and touch, sound, sight … it all melded into one perfect harmony. I know not how long we were up at the star deck, it felt like eternity, it feels like I’m still there to some degree.  Eventually we began to make our way down to the maloca.  This time I was still so astoundingly plugged in.  I would sit with eyes closed and see very clearly the energetic pattern of what was going on around me.  It was so much brighter inside my head with eyes closed than it was outside with eyes open.  Vibratory patterns of purple and green on a matte black background.  Just pure bliss and connection.  It felt as though my head had opened at the top and the dome of the universe was one and the same … I was everything and everything was me.  The edges between everything had completely dissolved.  The separation of self had completely obliterated.  I was surfing the cosmic sea and it was so very very perfect.  Again, no words to describe this event.  At one point Don Howard approached from behind, my eyes closed I could still see him in perfect detail.  He crouched over me, his being arching over the view of the eternal and it was so very gentle and tender and loving.  There isn’t a doubt in my mind that he was viewing straight into my core, seeing all that I was seeing.  The ceremony eventually ended but my journey was still going strong.  Some of us remained in the maloca for quite some time.  Watching as the candles burnt out one by one.  There was a part of me that watched that last candle flicker and dance, a part of me that fully believed that when that candle went out so would all else.  I would be extinguished and return to the ocean, my wave cresting and falling.  And perhaps this happened to some degree.

Something amazing shifted over these three ceremonies.  Every little fear I’ve ever had, I left it there in the Amazon.  There is this sense of calm and warmth that pervades everything now.  There is an overwhelming love and awe for existence.  My head and my heart have both been opened so wide that there is no chance they will ever begin to close.  For those of you that know me, well, I’m sure you’ve seen this … the shift is so very real.  There’s a glow to life that I’ve never experienced before.  Each interaction becomes more exciting and important. Each connection a new opportunity and adventure.  For the first few days I’d wake up worried that this feeling might be fleeting, that it might fade. I’m glad to say this is not the case.  I truly have returned from the river a different man.  Suddenly everything in life is so very exciting.  And the perspective shift, man, it’s something else.  All of those hangups and forms of resistance, they’re all just gone.  Fear is such an anchor and I’ve become untethered.  Without a doubt this has been the most important month of my life.  The reverberations of which will be felt for the rest of my days.  

There is far more to this story but I feel as though this has been a small taste of what I’m thinking and feeling.  It’s tough to describe that which is beyond words but I’ve given it a try.  That feather of Huachuma, it hit so very slow and so very heavy, an impact which I didn’t even see coming.  And now my life is virtually unrecognizable.  I feel so very loved and cared for by everyone around me.  Connections which I may have ignored due to fear and the unknown, they are springing up at every turn … the community I’ve always dreamed of has been sitting there for me to grasp all along.  The life I’ve wanted to lead, I’m getting to lead it now.  I have said aloud many a time over the past few weeks, “This is the life I get to lead?”  I’m in utter awe of the universe and my place in it.  Yes, this is the life I get to lead, this is the life I will navigate with an open heart and a calm mind.  

Accept what is given.

Respect all things.

I have so much gratitude for life and connection and all of those who have played a role in this.  

Thank you.

SpiritQuest Sanctuary - Huachuma Mesada - Iquitos, Peru

Preparing for my next journey ...

As my next journey to Peru looms in the very near future I feel myself closing in. Concentrating my energy, focusing, instinctually doing what needs to be done.  There is no set manner in which to prepare, it is quite unconscious.  There is something just over the horizon and I'm already beginning to feel it beckoning back through time.  As for my last journey all I can say is that there are very few experiences in my life which resonate for so very long. It's been over six months and it is still a daily thought, a teacher, a puzzle I'll likely never fully piece back together.

With that being said I'll revisit June 8th. This was after my third ayahuasca ceremony (I think it was the 3rd). It's very much unedited and open. If you're interested, here is what I wrote in my journal that day:

I feel as though I need to write more about vibrations and energy. I may repeat some of what I've already written. I can see how most everything can be applied and integrated into this theory. From the little flowers I see each day, opening their satellite petals to take in the energy/vibration of the sun, following it so as to get as much as possible, of course the same for all of the leaves and most anything nature based. They take in one form of vibration, take what they need, tranform the rest. For example, if you eat a plant you take in its vibrations, use what is needed, and excrete the rest. Some of the waste can be actual shit but it can also come out as emotions, moods, words. Bad diet = bad emotions.

On a more personal/human aspect, it's not just what we ingest. It's who we are around; the emotions, words, and thoughts that we take in. We can use it all as sustenance ... love and friendship. Or, we can take in contradictory vibrations and these create blockages. We can even run into those who solely exist to take in vibrations and give nothing back. Those are the people who leave us drained and confused after every interaction. It all comes down to flow. Does the energy/interaction help of hurt? Are the vibrations in sync or in contradiction to each other? If they're not in sync are we able to shed the bad vibrations? Most of us will hold on to them, secret them away in our depths of self. We hide them. Some people will choose substances/alcohol to keep those hurts deep down and at bay. Others will form a shell ... the harder the shell the more painful it will be to let that pain go eventually. If we can't let that pain go it comes out in so many different ways; anger, contempt, self-destructive thoughts and actions. We sometimes aim it at those we are closest with. We put our hurt out into the world just to get it out, more often than not we aim it at another person. This is not a good cycle for then they must deal with it and perhaps repeat the exact pattern of internalizing and externalizing.

The self-regulated purge. This hurts no one. We need to learn to discard our negative and out of sync vibrations without putting them onto/into others. A state of flow is the goal. Loose flow. Let them come in (for they surely will) but let them pass just as easily. This is a note to self to do more yoga more often. It's in our muscles. It's in our societal norm to hold on to the tension, to “deal with it”. It all manifests in so many ways; physical pain, mental pain, sickness, disease ... it's all a part of the same pattern of holding on to the negative vibratory patterns. I can visibly see the pattern of taking in other's emotions and vibrations and how this can be so very positive and/or so very negative.

I can see how we create a new being. We strip it down to the smallest personal vibration and merge it with someone else's. They form a new pattern and learn to adapt and grow together as a new life, a new version of our history of vibration. We pass it all on to our children, we are all the sum of the entirety of the patterns that have come before us. Hopefully we learn a few things along the way.

The icaros are a reset. A re-stabilizing pattern. Jostling the old out and allowing room for the healing and the new patterns. So very many people need to let their deep pain out, open up and stop the shielding and coping. Just let those pains out and you'll find room for you, for love, room to to express and accept love.

This was my primary message last night. I never ask for help. For my entire life, I very rarely have asked for help. This is why I did so well in school. If I take care of all of it by myself I don't need help. This is why I take so much on and never put myself first. I can cope. I can handle it ... but I can't in the long run. From a very young age I never wanted to disrupt the flow. I felt as though by expressing my needs I'd disrupt the pattern of family life and possibly lead to a bout of depression in my father. And I can follow this thought through to some of my relationships. I choose people who I'm scared to agitate and therefore I am never able to ask them for help. I've give and give but I don't want to ask for much as I might piss someone off or throw their pattern into a bad spiral. I need to work towards letting it out, feeling safe that I'm allowed to let it out and move forward.

I feel as though last night was very much focused on me. I felt pretty shitty for the most part; emotionally rough. Nothing was very supernatural but it helped to connect a lot of dots. Seeing my life in a way which I've looked at it before. It was necessary.

The only visual from the entire night, just outside the maloca, for hours stood a stoic African looking warrior. Shield, staff, and garment, all very real. I couldn't focus on his face ... the rest was very clear. His facial features were constantly morphing. I know he was there as a protector, I felt very much safe. Then, on the walk back to my tambo, I was positive there was someone behind me. Positive. I paused, heard a shuffle, then turned to see a lanky and immensely tall silhouette. So close we were almost touching. I looked up, felt comforted and said, “oh, hello”. The being didn't want to pass, just walk behind me. So I smiled and continued my walk home. There's magic out here. It's real.